How Do I Feel?

Yesterday was a somewhat frustrating day… and yet a good day, nevertheless. I planned to sit down and write a blog post but found that I had no internet connection. Yes, I do have a “smart phone”, and yes, I could have composed a blog post there, but I don’t enjoy posting that way. I’m much more comfortable sitting at the computer instead of struggling with the tiny keyboard of a small hand-held device. So, I shrugged, reminded myself that I’m not on any rigid schedule, and I happily went on with other things.

This is important. This is one of the main reasons why I’m not “doing art” at the moment. Friends and family have been asking “Are you painting again?” No, I’m not. I’m not drawing. I’m not painting. I’m not even playing with paints, pencils, pastels or any of my other art supplies.

But I am playing. Projects I’ve been working on have involved fabrics, scents, colorful waxes, and foods. I’m not “doing art”… just being creative and it feels good.

At the same time, I have to admit to a little bit of sadness. I’m — temporarily, at least — leaving a lot of “art” behind. I’ve cancelled my subscription at Creative Bug. I’m no longer an Artist Network member. My Craftsy subscription is still active, but I haven’t used it in months and may never use it again. I didn’t renew my Artist magazine subscription this year, nor do I intend to pay my annual dues for any of the art clubs in the area.

Recently I opened an email from the Blue Springs Art League. Last year I took part in their spring invitational and received an honorable mention. Indeed there was a bit of sadness when I opened this year’s invitation. I won’t be entering the show. I won’t be entering any art shows this year.

I’m also seeing posts on Facebook about the upcoming Sketchbook Revival. The thought of taking part in the workshop — it’s all free — was exciting, at first. But then as I scrolled through posts looking at projects some group members have been doing, I immediately felt myself tensing up. Not a good feeling. Not a good feeling at all.

Art should be fun. Art should make us smile. It’s true that I can sit here in my studio, look around, and feel very good at all the wondrous art I’ve created. It’s everywhere! There’s everything from carefully drawn graphite images to wild and colorful abstracts. There are serious works. There are ridiculously fun works. There are colors exploding everywhere. Seeing it all makes me feel good.

But the idea of once again doing art doesn’t feel good right now.

I’m not ready to get caught up again on learning art, wanting to improve my art, and asking all those questions that go along with it.  While I do like art, and even as I look forward to drawing and painting in the future, I’m not the artist I want to be. The challenge for me at this time is to reconcile myself to being the artist that I am, to find pleasure in my own creative abilities, and to stop fretting over all the things I’m not.

So, I’m focusing on creativity in different forms. It feels good, and I have a lot of projects I’ll be sharing in future posts. And sooner or later, I will pick up a pencil or a paintbrush. I just don’t know when that’s going to happen.